Entree

Happy Father's Day...

not such an exciting day for me anymore. however, bro-in-law is probably celebrating his 1st Father's Day. for himself that is. ah that's good.

Haven't had enough sleep in like a month now. well, compare to my USUALY lack-of-sleep, this is worse. the whole of yesterday and today's been a tad sucky. Besides the same ol' same ol' stuffs that are making me EMO, there's the fact of Grandma. Sent her to a home today. sighhh. been bothering me ever since mom brought it up about 2 weeks ago. there are lots of pros and cons. but evidently, the Pros outweigh the Cons by a big number. one of the things bothering me is the fact that we'd say we'd NVR send her to a home. sigh. I guess this is an example of never use 'Never'. i Hate goin agains my own words. but seriously, none of us can take real good care of her. and locking her up in her room is not a good solution anymore. it may even make her condition worse. the Home is a single storey banglo with duno how many rooms. she has to share with another patient. but tht's alright. she got the better bed. anyhow, at least she can roam around OUTSIDE the room anytime, with the help of others that is. Actually use the bathroom instead of the commode all the time. sighh. i cant even start to imagine how it's like for her at home. being locked in the room all day. she even developed a little hate for mom i think. and that's really bad. but mom's not taking it too hard which is good. i've been in a dilemma for god knows how long. Nobody will ever support the idea of a nursing home. but sometimes it's what's best for the overall that mtters. i never complain. altho maybe what mom says is true. i'm not really there the whole day to oversee how grandma is acting. But my room's next to hers. i mean i get woken up by her wee hrs in the morning, and at 8am when she starts to scold the maid for every available reason. and not to mention the smell of my room which seeped from hers that seeped from the commode. sigh, but i nvr complain. i NVR complained to anyone. thats prob the reason why i nvr mention to anyone about the idea of a nursing home too. it's just wrong to put someone in a Nursing home. but now i do realise that my mentality may not always be the right one. and if it's so wrong, why do they have it in the 1st place. They're not unwanted, they're just better cared for in a Nursing home. hence, the name.

i Hope mom feels better with all this. she seems a bit relieved that grandma is thre. well, i guess 1 side of me is kinda glad that she's there. but i'd rather her be at home with the family. maybe if i worked harder earlier instead of lazing around so much last time. i could help afford a bigger hse and a live-in nurse n supplies for grandma. sighhh but still she'd not be hapy. but i guess that's life. sucks.

on another note, i'm hoping and praying that a miracle appears n save my bottom right tooth. dentist said my gums are weak. which i knew like years ago n did nothing about it except brush on a regular basis n not visit the dentist regularly. sighhh all actions have consequences. it feels better now with some dentist medication n anti-biotics. i hate taking pain killers. but i really couldnt stand it 2 days ago. took some Mobic with my fingers crossed i dun turn out to look like a lobster again. n i didnt. woohoo. then dentist gave another suggestion to pull out my OTHER wisdom tooth on bottom left. which may cause the tooth next to it like the one on the rigt. i guess this paragraph would be easier if i actually knew the names of the teeth. gigi gerahang? hhmm. no idea. am too lazee to look it up now.

Thnx Ben for calling me out for a drink. really need it. long long post. it DOES feel a bit better voicing things out. or in this case, typing it out? sighhhh Really wanted to talk to her yesterday n the day before about all this. but i dont think i should be so needy anymore. not to HER at least anyway. Quotient Rule... i guess i have MORE important things to think about? that's wat i eep tellin myself. duno how far is the truth. sighhh.. coz she's equally AS important as anything else in my life. if not more. ughhh STOP emoING !!! dammit.

~out~

Posted by :  gizzy  on 6/15/2008 07:55:00 PM                 (1) comments

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will it ever end?

Sigh. what's happening to me? I can't concentrate on anything anymore. Will it ever end? There are supposed to be things in my life right now that's my priority other than her. Why does it always boil down this? I have no explanation. It's so hard to let go. The worst part is to let go after something bad has happened. Should I try to patch things up? Or should i just leave it? Things like this have happened before. I left it. and it's been haunting me til this day. how many years has passed i've lost count.
I've not written here since December. It's been so long. Almost every post is about her. When did i start becoming this Emo person? I don't like it. Why did I say those things to her. sigh. She's distancing herself. I can feel it. Or am I being oversensitive? I REALLY don't think I am. But it's easier this way right? I don't have to avoid her. She's doing it for me, to me. It's soooo hard. I don't think i'm suicidal. I'm not the kind. At least i don't think i am.
There are so many things that are not right with the 2 of us. So many things that don't fit together. But isn't that what it's supposed to be? 2 people UNmirror image making it together? or something like that. like the Positive n Negative in Algebra. or a battery. they attract each other. maybe we're both negative? sigh.
All i know is to be nice to her. How can i treat her otherwise? i REALLY don't know how to. Staying away is so hurting. Being near her is soothing. Yet when she leaves, she takes that soothing feeling with her. and leaves me with a little hole that gets bigger and bigger for every hour i'm not with her. That hole now, it seems is as wide as my body.
What can i do? it's 10pm and i'm sitting in office. Alcohol seems like a nice outlet. But we all know it NEVER helps. well, maybe for that moment it feels great! but that's about it. sigh. Somehow writing it all down doesn't make me feel any better. maybe i haven't written Everything down, thats why. how dreadful...

Posted by :  gizzy  on 4/24/2008 09:33:00 PM                 (2) comments

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Sports Planet Sg Buloh is FINALLY opening!!!

Sungai Buloh Sports Planet is opening it's doors on Dec10!!! probably earlier a few days. give me a call or drop me a message if interested. BTW, 1st week of opening is FREE play for ALL!!! call for bookings. or call me!!! heehee.

Posted by :  gizzy  on 12/03/2007 11:29:00 AM                 (0) comments

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so empty yet so heavy...

was a real bad day today. soemone hit my car from behind in sg buloh. well, that kinda tops the BAD list for the day. hhmm drove to the mechanic n he wasnt there, had to go home in my busted li'l car to wait for him to return then go back n leave the car in his garage. didn't want to leave the car at home as the trunk wouldnt close. with all my 'stuffs' behind, it's not smart. have a feeling that his garage is safer. few people have dissapointed me today. which is quite disheartening and very eye-opening? sigh. which i really wasn't hoping to find out.

all these events start to make me ponder. is life really all there is? well, am a bit emo rite now. everything's built up to a ball and i feel like i'm much smaller than that particular ball right now. only had altogether prob 1 jug of beer. 2 mugs at Dave's wit Her and few her friends and then followed by 1 big bottle at Ming Tien with the guys. altho i was drinking ALONE, the company was pretty nice:)

Corrine Bailey Ray's playing in the background. reminds me sooooo much of her. i think it's bad. i'm tryin my best to change my perception on things. i've always been a person who always or at least try to look at the bigger picture of things. i like to say i'm a simple guy. but i think in real fact i'm not. i have all these walls built up in me, dont think ANYBODY can break through them. probably not even my ownself. now that's a problem ain't it.

recently i've been very much to myself. i think i should open up more. tlak more. yeah i think that's it. feeling sleepy. dammit! 1 jug can do this to me? i'm slacking badly man. sighh but is that a good thing?

~out~

Posted by :  gizzy  on 11/03/2007 01:26:00 AM                 (1) comments

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food for thought?

hhmm been pigging out a lot these 2 weeks. for one, haven't been goin to the gym as often as used to/wanting to. been buzy wit the renovations. figured i'd better be there almost everyday just to show my face and create some kinda relationship wit the contractors. treating ppl good will get me good treatment too i suppose? well, so far it's lookin real good.

on another note, i think i may have been a bit too persistant lately. does this show that i'm being desperate? or simply well, just persistant? sigh. i dont know. feelings all screwed up recently. confused, happy, sad, stressed, satisfied, unsatisfied. sigh, it's so weird. wouldn't it be sooo much easier if we all had an on/off switch for every different kind of feeling we have? then we can switch them to a different band/kind of feeling too. ughhh it'd make life so much easier. then again, would life be meaningless? didnt i mention i was a confused dude? haha. yeah, persistance can be boring. am starting to think, what if this persistance i have now is just rubbing the wrong way? sighhh why is it so difficult? what if She's taking it as a drag than a picker-upper? ahhh what a gloomy paragraph.

weather's been real crappy lately. been raining 4-days straight since monday. Friday seemed real hot n weird with the weekend being hot as ever. totally forgotten about Octoberfest this year!!! what the hell man! and something's wrong with you when you think Halloween is the last Thursday of the month. DUDE! that's Thanksgiving! haha.

hmm been writing bit stuffs in my journal again. it popped up when i was looking for a lost pen about a week ago. haven't seen/writing in it for wat, 3 years? perhaps more. maybe i should start a New one again. ah we'll see. since i'll have a lot of time on my hands real soon. sitting in the office doin nothing. hopefully StarcraftII will be out then. haha... what a slacker!!!

Posted by :  gizzy  on 10/28/2007 04:59:00 PM                 (0) comments

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sigh...

think i'm getting more n more stupid. maybe i should sleep more too. sent a stupid sms today. ughhh... think it was REALLY poorly written. but i guess it was good for a laugh? at MY expense. sighhh the things i do. haha...

on another note, took apart my desktop n cleaned it in the hope of reinstalling everything back to get a PERFECT undead desktop. but alas, it STILL is the same. auto shuts off itself. sigh. think i need to get a new casing perhaps? it's leaking electricity somewhere. gets a spark whenever i touch the usb jack on the slot. wtf man. WTF! considering the new iMac too! but currently low on funds. sigh. i guess being jobless will do that to a person?

i'm going crazy! so many things on my mind. haven't been listening to much music in my room lately. stupid computer keep dying i am afraid to play music on it. so, if music keeps me sane, i guess i'm pretty much getting INsane now. hhmmm What is Love? rite... just random thoughts running through my mind now.

Posted by :  gizzy  on 10/24/2007 12:23:00 AM                 (0) comments

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stressessessessess

i'm sitting in front of the comp playing Texas Hold'em on Facebook n my mind's elsewhere. been so stressed out lately. So many things on my mind. Family, business, money, and of coz prob the worst one, girl. heehee. they say guys only have 2 probs usually; money or girls. that's not true. i have many many problems! oh and comin home to a messy room DEFINITELY does not help. damn! i know i should start cleaning my room. been saying that for the past months.

i'm kind of a bit of a procrastinator i think. if things aren't important enough for me to do it now, i think i just wont do it. Pictures for instance, people have been bugging me to post up pics i've taken for AGESSSSS. but have yet to do it. posted some on this blog, but that was it. i REALLY remember having a Picassa account online. but i think they took it out for non-usage. this was YEARSSSSSSSSSS ago.

so, here i am sittin at home. wonder what's on Astro. prob bad stuffs. oh crap. i just realised this blogger settings' still in US Michigan time. so, it's 10am when it's really 10pm. okok i'll change it before posting this.

Posted by :  gizzy  on 10/11/2007 09:44:00 PM                 (0) comments

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Dissapointed, Depressed, Angry, and utterly Miserable...

how about ALL of the above? ever felt of so much built-up of 'potential happiness' and all of a sudden just flushed down the drain? that was just how i felt today. i guess the day turned out fine. got everything done on schedule, some better than others. caught up with a good friend. had a good chat with the factory Foreman. stuffs like that. possibly that GREAT feeling was just a build-up to the 1 GREAT big splash of joy in the night time. which is entirely fine by theory i suppose. or at least supposed to...

The first half of the show was the question WHEN? HOW? and came the 2nd part was just simply 'WHY' and 'SHOULD I JUST LEAVE?'. Wait a min, let me check... i think i left my heart at the Entrance where i was standing a good 5 minutes thinking of whether to just get my car n leave or go back n sit lazily in the overly comfortable seats n mope. picked the latter. hey, it WAS really comfortable. i think i was more dissapointed than angry. then again who's really to blame? do we really have to find someone to blame? it was an honest mistake. anybody could've made it. and i KNEW i should've repeated the place n time n all the rest.

But the fact was i REALLY REALLY wanted to see her. i still do. but i dont want to call her coz one thing, it's late and another i dont want to be the asshole who's all bitter n sour over spoilt milk. is that even a good statement? and i dont care if she reads this blog or not, it's really how i feel now. prob will drive back there tomorow to pick up my heart. prob been stepped over n over n over n over again by the hundreds of ppl there. Why do we do these to ourselves? it's probably not something one can control. i know i cant. i guess if we could, all of us would be living in a 5acre empty land with a magical ALL-U-Can-LIVE house right smack in the middle of the pacific ocean or somethin. to have so much impact on me. it's (i cant even think of that word now). but it's a good thing? do i like it? food for thought.

Another thing is i've been quite showy about this. went to the mamak after the show wit some of them, i was being all mopy n quiet n all. i'm sorry guys but it just happens. i've nvr really been like that b4 in front of people. i usually just keep it all in. suck it up! but i didnt. maybe being all tired n shit didnt help. or i've become weak! what the hell! Well, tomorow's a hectic day. i've got like a million things to do at 10am. have to be at 3 diff places. i suppose i could drop mom off earlier at the hosp for her checkup, then fly to sunway at 10am, collect-dropoff, then fly to sg buloh. then after all that, fly back to pantai bangsar to see mom. sounds pretty straight forward right? prob wont be as easy as it sounds. it NEVER is.

i'm not gonna reread what i wrote. just gona leave it this way and read it like prob 3 days later when the damage has already been done. and hit myself over the head about it and be happy from what i supposedly AM gonna buy when i head to s'pore on saturday. Really wanted to spend the weekend with You tho. away from here.

airite... FUCKIN streamyx. please! something's up with me lately. internet is just a FUCKIN undandy shit lately, Maxis is being a fucked up bitch! and to add to it, i'm utterly miserable now. oh God! fuck all this shit! why cant damn streamyx WORK!!! it's like connected but sure as hell cant even load google! let alone upload this stupid fucked up entry. let's see. it's 12.50AM now. see how long it'll take me to upload this. OH MY GOD!!! what the FUCK's wrong wit me?!?!? NOTHING IS GOIN MY WAY! and i'm swearing like a motherfucker! emo ass. now i feel like watching Pulp Fiction. sighh i dont wana write anymore.

Posted by :  gizzy  on 10/05/2007 01:54:00 AM                 (0) comments

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*smile*

This just melted my heart when i saw it. Thnx for making my day too! hugz... seeing this really made all my worries go away. yes, SHE has that effect! i dont know why either. i guess some things really can't be answered? or perhaps you gotta ask the right questions? hhrrmmm... ah well. Happy Happy!!! i'm still awaiting a Photo Slideshow commentary!!!

~out~

Posted by :  gizzy  on 10/01/2007 10:41:00 PM                 (0) comments

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...I will call you up every Saturday Night...

Bought this today. I think it was like a spontaneous thought thingie. Victoria Music seem to have the cheapest one around. everywhere else was selling it for rm46. bought it for rm35 i think. somewhere there. songs are pretty nice. soothing easy listening. 1973 is GREAT tho. catchy, poppish. what else can you ask for? heh.

Wonder how she's doing like 10,000miles away. it's nice to get smses from her. From what she says, think i should stop hoping for things to happen or try to make things happen? sighhh. but i can't. what the hell man! seriously, i think there's something wrong with me. didn't use to be like this. too many thoughts going through my mind. dont know n dont think i want to write it here.





(I will call you up everyday Saturday night)
(And we both stayed out 'til the morning light)
(And we sang, "Here we go again")
(And though time goes by)
(I will always be)
(In a club with you)
(In 1973)
(Singing "Here we go again)

Posted by :  gizzy  on 9/26/2007 11:56:00 PM                 (0) comments

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